The Unmotivated Adult Child
In my career I have come across the dynamic of frustrated parents who are highly educated, independent, achievement-driven and goal-oriented, struggling with adult children who don’t appear motivated to assume adult responsibilities.
A common example of this is the adult child who lives in the home for free, feels entitled to meals, gas money and essentially does nothing around the house other than play video games, sleep and maybe even smoke a lot of marijuana…which by the way is not only an immediate motivation killer, but it has a huge impact on the cycle of anxiety.
Kids used to play outside…yet this generation was raised on video games, social media, YouTube, and TikTok. Immediate gratification is the goal…and many lack the desire for physical activity, the motivation for getting a driver’s license, etc. This new generation also wants to work less, doesn’t want to be tied to a 9-5 job, and believes they can create the next “Big Thing” or become a social media “Influencer.”
Parental Fear of Upsetting a Child with Mental Health Issues
I can’t tell you how often I hear from parents who have a genuine fear about their child’s anxiety or depression, and feel that if they push their adult child too hard, or ask too much of them, their child will spiral into a mental health crisis. While there are some people with significant mental health issues that make them more fragile, the far greater majority of individuals can learn to live with and manage their mental health symptoms. I see adult children using their “anxiety” or “depression” label as an excuse for getting out of some of the normal functions of adulting. Let’s be honest…parents, your to-do list is also overwhelming, and yet there are life maintenance tasks, such as loading and unloading the dishwasher, that still need to get done.
When an adult child has social or generalized anxiety, depression, or even OCD, it can become “their identity” and also a lifestyle which helps them feel they are incapable of regular daily responsibilities. While very few people actually are significantly and or permanently disabled by their mental health, the larger percentage of people living with mental health concerns need to be accountable for their mental health management.
Often I hear parents saying their adult child has “XYZ” diagnosis but they won’t seek treatment, they won’t take medication, and they don’t want to do really anything about it. When I hear this, my first response is: “What boundaries are you needing to set in order to allow them to start taking some ownership and accountability for their own adult life and functioning?” Frequently the clients I’m working with have lived their life with similar struggles, and yet they have made a conscious choice to address it, and still function in life despite their mental health issues.
So What’s the Difference?
Why is it that some adult children learn to overcome adversity and others lean on others to help them function in life? Well in the 70’s when I grew up…the parenting philosophy was all about learning how to overcome adversity on your own. In fact, many in my cohort recognize the infamous message…“children are to be seen and not heard.” Parents were involved, but certainly not helicopter parents, and the message most kids received was “work it out” and “figure it out on your own.”
My generation came from parents who had long career jobs with the same company and retired after 35 years with a pension and social security. Many people in my cohort also had anxious parents who suffered with their own level of anxiety and depression symptoms, however mental health wasn’t identified as a normal way of life. For my mother, the idea of seeking therapy would have been completely out of the question. Albeit..there’s not a doubt in my mind that therapy would have been extremely beneficial for her.
Parenting in the 90’s and 2000’s took on a new style of parenting where mistakes were somehow seen as something bad, weakness, or failure. Rather than allowing kids to feel the consequences of their mistakes or the disappointment of losing…they often were coddled and protected. This is where the “every kid gets a trophy” concept went wrong. When terms like anxiety and depression became a regular and acceptable language for teens…some parents began allowing their children’s behaviors to be excused due to their “ADHD” or their “Anxiety.” My kids also have many friends who after graduating college, suffered more symptoms of anxiety and depression when they learned the job market was not what they had expected, and they didn’t have the resilience skills to handle rejection.
My oldest son had ADHD and it became prevalent when he was in middle school. Yes, he was assessed, yes, we eventually succumbed to medication…but he didn’t like the meds and hated how he felt. So we hired a private tutor for academics and worked on strategies to help him function better, and stop blaming others for his lack of follow-through. One thing we learned very early on with him, was that he did much better when the rules were stringent, and with teachers whose expectations were the highest.
He wasn’t ready for college at 18 as he didn’t like the effort needed with his ADHD to do that level of academics. Yet after 3.5 years in the army, in one of the most rigid environments out there, he was able to take more ownership of his accountability, and recognized that the career he wanted required a degree. He also learned that he wasn’t ever going to want a desk job, but that he could manage his ADHD when he had a combination of outdoor exercise and physical work with his hands, which is why Construction Management works so well for him.
Parental Discomfort and Guilt
The more uncomfortable a parent is with a child’s big emotions, the more control a child gains to use their “emotional dysregulation” as almost a way of not having to address the difficult thing. When stress arises, “I’m too overwhelmed!”, has become the go-to response. If a child loses respect for a parent and their behavior either becomes violent or verbally abusive toward a parent, or activates a parent’s own shame about parenting…then the parent often feels helpless and hopeless about making change.
Parental guilt can also play a large role in over-functioning for a child and allowing a child’s emotional behaviors to dictate parenting. For instance, parents who have other children with special needs, may feel a sense of guilt for not giving enough of their attention to their other children, and then overcompensate by giving them more freedom, or leeway with their behaviors. Working moms, single parents, or divorced parents may also carry some of the same guilt and or fears that their children will choose to live with the other parent, or that they need to overcompensate because the child somehow missed out on an experience. Regardless what the circumstance, parents need to be mindful of their own shame triggers that impact the way they parent.
How to Fix This
The answer unfortunately isn’t what most parents want to hear. It involves boundaries, and sometimes tough love. When an adult child isn’t working…set a realistic timeline and expectation of consequences if that child doesn’t get a job in the designated time frame. If the child has severe anxiety or depression, then stricter boundaries need to be in place for them to follow through with their own mental health management, medication if warranted, etc. When parents continue to set boundaries, and their adult child doesn’t follow through on what they say they are going to do…then parents are faced with a difficult decision about housing them, paying for their bills (especially their lifeline…their cell phone).
Get therapy and support for yourself to look at your own shame triggers and how they impact your own codependent behaviors that facilitate your adult child’s failure to launch. If you can’t kick your adult child to the streets…maybe look at an alternative housing option such as offering to pay for them to rent a room (rather than be homeless) for a certain time period until they can get on their feet. Most parents tell me “my kid won’t like that option.” My response is, “your goal was to make them uncomfortable enough to motivate them, and to provide a safe housing option…that never meant putting them up in a swanky apartment free of charge.”
Boundaries are hard, but they are necessary if you want to see a child develop independence, accountability, and any level of coping skill in today’s challenging world. The easier we make it for them, the harder it will be for them to launch. More importantly, boundaries help you relinquish resentment toward your kids, and provide you with a foundation to hold them accountable for their own choices and outcomes.
