It’s About “Your” Mental Health
This isn’t the first time you’ve heard me talk about forgiveness and I don’t think it will be the last either. It’s something that is definitely hard to do sometimes, and it’s also something that keeps individuals left feeling bitter, resentful, and wronged.
A recent Psychology Today article stated “Forgiveness is vitally important for the mental health of those who have been victimized. It propels people forward rather than keeping them emotionally engaged in injustice or trauma. Forgiveness has been shown to elevate mood, enhance optimism, and guard against anger, stress, anxiety, and depression.”
Despite knowledge of these benefits, many people want to hold onto their anger and grievance rather than feeling the “feels” and working through the emotions. I’ve seen clients almost hold onto it as if it was some type of Badge of Courage! I think it can become an identity that helps fuel someone’s rage and justify the reasons for why they should stay upset. It’s so much easier to be “angry” at someone than to allow yourself to experience the grief, pain, and disappointment of a situation.
Sometimes clients will terminate prematurely just to avoid walking into their feelings. I’ve had clients tell me “I’m never gonna change”…or “I’m too old to change now.” Yet, I believe it’s never too late to make the changes necessary to release the anger and bitterness that consumes your emotional energy.
Grieving What May Never Be
In her book Rising Strong, Brené Brown talks about forgiveness and the concept of grief that she learned from a priest during a sermon. She stated the missing part to understanding Forgiveness was “Grief.” This made so much sense to me when I read it as grieving is the harder part. It requires you to lean into the hard emotions and accept what is rather than look for who you can blame for what’s happening.
Years in Hospitals
I spent 22 years as a medical social worker prior to opening my practice. During that time, I saw countless examples of people who could lean into their medical diagnosis or that of a loved one, grieve what will never be, and begin to process through “the feels” until they came toward some level of acceptance. Yet, there were always many who dug their heels in, blamed the medical professionals for their loved one’s, or for their own, misfortune, and spent every waking moment of their time left on earth trying to blame and circumvent the reality of the situation. Even after a loved one’s death, some people remain stuck and in a place of complete Anger so that they don’t have to begin to move through the stages of painful grief that are required in order to move forward with life.
It’s A Choice Worth Making
When my Dad was misdiagnosed with arthritis for years prior to learning haphazardly a few years later he actually had lung cancer with mets to his bones, I could have let rage overcome me. Yet, my medical knowledge and awareness of his physical presentation right in front of me, told me that what mattered most was to be present with him in the time that was available rather than focus my energy on what could have been.
I experienced the same situation when my mother was found to have metastatic colon cancer 18 months later, which was also misdiagnosed by her physician, and assumed to be caused by other maladaptive coping choices she was making.
In both of these situations, my siblings and I were faced with the loss of each parent in a very short time after diagnosis. Yes, the situation could have been different. Yes, if we had known, maybe they both would have lived longer. Honestly, I don’t really know because uncertainty is a given, and trying to engineer the uncertainty out of a situation only leads to anxiety…which I have opted to let go of in my life.
My Advice to Clients and To Myself
Examine your own anger, judgment, and ability to really allow yourself to feel the emotional and physical release of forgiveness. I like to believe that most people are really doing the best they can. Even in my own misdiagnosis of my shoulders for years prior to MRIs, I still believe that all the medical professionals that I encountered were doing the best they could with the information, presentation shown, and the limitations of healthcare guidelines.
Life sometimes throws us a few lemons, and it certainly isn’t always fair or what you hoped for. Yet, if we want to live with peace, joy and gratitude, we need to practice letting go of things we can’t control, and mistakes others made, because we are all just imperfect humans.
