Holiday Vision
I’m a huge fan of my family all being together, especially for the Holidays. I have such great memories of big holiday celebrations as a kid with my siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles. The loud chaos of the holiday celebrations with an endless supply of food, laughter and conversation resonates strongly with me. I grew up with my Mom’s siblings living 10 minutes from our house and therefore it was so much easier to have everyone together. I think part of me envisioned that this would continue throughout our adult lives, and that all the same traditions would be passed down to our kids.
When I started a family of my own, I had similar hopes that holidays would look the same. Yet, as life would have it with job opportunities and affordable housing, I didn’t live close to my siblings. For a long while we would travel to try to be near them. When my parents were alive we made sure that at least one of the big holidays was spent at my parents’ house (our home base). We used to travel and drive all over Southern California trying to please everyone and make an appearance at both our parents’ houses. Yes, we wanted to be with all the family, but the sacrifice sometimes was strenuous for me and our family. Holidays sometimes seemed more work than fun.
When Parents are No Longer Here
I think holidays changed drastically when my parents were gone. There was no longer the home base where my family could stay and come just to embrace the warm scents and ambience of the childhood home that was so nostalgic for me. My Mom and Dad’s house was so welcoming to my family. The messiness of kids, and the dogs were encouraged. Mom even had holiday stockings hung with our dogs’ names on them.
Traveling around the holidays became burdensome both physically with traffic and financially. We often drove to my spouse’s family from Folsom to Lompoc California as it was only 5.5 hours instead of 7 hours to SoCal. Yet that also was difficult as I never quite felt at home in my mother-in-law’s house. I was filled with anxiety about the kids making a mess, and the dogs weren’t allowed to travel with us, so that was also stressful. As a result, holidays became smaller, and sometimes involved friends in Northern California rather than siblings.
Moving out of State
Before COVID, we had made a plan to look at moving out of California. We had traveled to so many other states when our son was in the service, and recognized that life was lived at a different pace, and people were more friendly. Houses were bigger and there were many benefits to not having to travel in traffic every day to work. After 20 years of commuting almost 2 hours a day to work, I was ready for something different. We recognized we couldn’t chase our kids. At that time, we had one kid in Arizona, one who had lived in the Bay area, and another who had just come home from the Army and was getting ready to start school with no idea where he might land. We chose Idaho over Tennessee and North Carolina mainly because it was close enough to travel to Northern California, and had an outdoor playground that fit our active lifestyle. We figured holidays would look different, but I guess part of me hoped that the kids would be willing to do what I had done all those years…drive to see us.
It’s funny how this generation is different about driving. They have grown up in a fast-paced, instant-gratification world. So the thought of driving 9 hours to see us seems foreign. So if they can’t afford to fly, or I choose not to pay for their flight, I don’t see them very often. Another challenge is animals. Who would have thought that animals would be a barrier to seeing family? Our daughter has a few dogs and multiple cats, and the whole gang can’t travel here.
Sharing Kids with Their Partner’s Family
I hear this one often from clients whose expectations about holiday traditions get hijacked by their kid’s partner’s family. I’ve experienced it myself from our oldest son. His partner, my beautiful future daughter-in-law whom I adore, has strong ties to holiday traditions with her family. I understood that, but I guess I assumed that this meant that we could swap Thanksgiving and Christmas so we could each enjoy our traditions. This will be our 3rd Christmas here in Idaho, and it’s usually a gorgeous White Christmas. I have never had the luxury of all our family here for that. This year, my oldest son said “I’m going to come, but Stina is going to stay with her family.” While I’m excited to have him here, it makes me sad that they are going to be apart for the holidays.
Grieving Lost Expectations
To all of you who have experienced similar challenges around the holidays, I want to let you know that I see you and I feel the grief and loss for the lost expectations of what you envisioned family and holidays to look like. Yet as you embrace the changes in your family, life, and celebrations, I encourage you to create new memories and new traditions. For instance, our first year here in Idaho, Christmas was just Dave, Myles and me. I had never had a Christmas that small, so I rented snowmobiles for us the day after Christmas and we had a blast doing something we had never experienced.
I know there will be a lot more changes with family once more grandchildren arrive, and we may alter plans and travel their way at some point. As it is now, our kids don’t really have places where we can stay.
Embracing Change
So we will keep adapting and changing. I encourage you to express your feelings and work to make compromises in order to increase your connection with family. Family is still very important to me, and I have been blessed to have them all here at other times of the year. When my house is filled with chaos, laughter and their bantering back and forth, I’m truly filled with so much Joy and Gratitude. I know that we will never stop working to spend time together and I have made it a priority now to put aside additional resources to ensure that we get to have them all together at least 1-2 times per year here, even if it’s not the holidays. Embracing Change may require grieving lost expectations, and I think we can all create new ways to still ensure that we love and appreciate the time we get to spend together.
If you are struggling with letting go and wanting to move through change, this is a great time to seek out some therapy prior to the holidays. You can learn to embrace change with compromise and optimism for additional opportunities to create memories.
