In my 20 years as a clinician I’ve been on the front line to many losses of loved ones. I’ve stood at the bedside as ventilators were turned off, comforted grieving children, partners, spouses, parents, siblings and friends as they watched their loved ones slowly slip away and take their last breath.
I’ve been the one who asked the difficult questions when a Code was not working…standing at the bedside watching the medical team work tirelessly to revive a patient and helping the family decide when it’s enough, and time to let their loved one go. I’ve helped countless individuals understand choices regarding comfort versus aggressive treatment, and come to terms with the reality in front of them.
I’ve had to make the hard choices myself regarding hospice and comfort care for my father after learning his lung cancer had spread everywhere. I had to choose comfort care for my mother 20 months later when her newly diagnosed colon cancer was inoperable, and the pain could only be subdued via comfort measures.
So I understand grief and loss from the sideline and from the frontline. One thing that’s universal in all circumstances of grief is that there is a loss of expectations, hopes, dreams and the life that was supposed to be. When we walk through the trenches of grief, we are not only accepting what is currently in front of us, but we are also having to grieve what hasn’t yet happened, and future moments that will never be the same.
This is where the hard work begins. We can stay trapped in what was, and deny ourselves the joys and pleasures of the future, or we can move through our grief and recognize it, and feel all of it. We can learn to let grief touch us for just a moment while still allowing us to embrace the living. When we blame others, stay in a place of anger and resentment, and or choose not to allow ourselves to actually move through the grief process and let go, we inhibit ourselves from moving forward. It takes a lot more courage to feel “the feels” of the pain, and grieve the loss of expectations.
Grief is a powerful emotion and sometimes we feel it controls us. Yet with some therapy and acknowledgement of the emotions behind it, we can start to find resolution, and learn we have choices about how we live the rest of our life. If you find yourself not being able to let go, and or reliving all the negativity of what you believed went wrong, then you will miss the opportunity to move through your grief. Therapy can help you find peace and teach you ways to remember your loved one while living in the present and future.
