7 Years Sober
May 26, 2015 marked the day that my husband of then 19 years willingly made a personal agreement with God to stop drinking alcohol. It was a day that was so profound, that I still remember coming home from work the Friday after his “Holy Encounter” and feeling a peace in my stomach that I know I had never felt before. It was as if for the first time in our marriage, I honestly felt that it was no longer my job to check, manage, and try to keep all the balls in the air. Something had shifted, and I needed to shift too!
The Codependent Role
As an adult child of an alcoholic mother, I knew my role pretty well. I was the people pleaser, the responsible one, the one who made decisions based on other people’s behaviors, the one who sacrificed my wants in order to ensure everyone was safe, and the one protecting our kids as much as physically possible from seeing the dynamics I saw growing up.
I was the one who tried so desperately to create an image and life I desired, all while keeping the family secret hidden, so that I could continue to feel some sense of control. I also lived with the aftermath of shame and blame toward the offenders in my life, that robbed me of my joy and who I believed made it impossible for me to embrace fun and play.
I Didn’t Want to See It
I thought “This wouldn’t happen to me.” I knew better, I had done some personal work, I had repaired family wounds, I had got my Master’s Degree and thought I was ready for anything. I knew before I was married in 1996 that I didn’t like my husband’s drinking behavior. Yet I ignored that inner voice that spoke up with concern because everyone else seemed to love his gregarious and larger than life personality. When I’d question his behavior, many of our friends would dismiss it and say “but he’s so much fun!” He became known as “Dancing Dave” and by the time “that persona” showed up, I was steaming inside like a pressure cooker ready to burst. Of course, he was also great back then at telling me it was my problem, not his, and that it was my sensitivity to my family history of drinking that made me so angry.
I Wasn’t Crazy
It’s true, sometimes I felt like I was losing my mind. Essentially I was losing myself and it had been a slow leak over the course of many years. I interviewed addicts all the time and I was great at justifying my husband’s behaviors because he never missed a day of work, was never violent, he coached our kids’ sports teams, and most people didn’t have a clue the toll his drinking had on me. Even my kids found him funny and he was the “yes guy” they loved to go to while I was the disciplinarian, and later recognized, the Martyr of my own life.
Change Requires Acknowledging Shame
So what were my shame triggers you ask? Well I was a clinician, and expert in the field of addiction, and yet here I was, looking in the mirror and having to recognize that I wasn’t immune to it! I had many of my own codependent behaviors that allowed him to live out his addiction, without many consequences. When there were consequences, he did his best to avoid any accountability or responsibility. I also didn’t want people in my professional life to see this part of my life, as I had a successful career I worked hard for, and I worried that this part of my life could jeopardize my reputation.
I wanted to be seen as competent, in control, fun, and someone who had it all together, but when my “Fun” persona was confronted by either my kids or my husband, I was quick to fall into the Blame Game and accuse all of them of robbing me of my Joy and ability to have Fun! Actually…at his worst, my husband called me his KillJoy, and that was essentially the biggest shame trigger and identifying moment that caused me to really look at my shame and stop letting it control me. That required some deep work, sharing my story, and working to bury past failures and hurts so that something beautiful could be reborn within me.
The Best 9 Years
I wish my 49 year old self could have gone back and talked to the younger parts of my little self a lot sooner. I wish that I had been brave enough to call out my shame in my 20’s and 30’s, but like many, I was still climbing the corporate ladder and looking for validation in the wrong places.
Two years prior to my husband’s sobriety, I began a self exploration and self-love journey that changed my life forever. Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly book rocked my world and helped me identify my shame triggers, shields and the armor I wore proudly while giving me the permission to live differently. I was ready to change myself regardless of my husband’s sobriety, and that meant that whatever arena I was left with after making some courageous decisions was worth walking into.
Fortunately, our marriage was reborn on May 26, 2015 and we walked into a very different place, foreign to both of us, that required a lot of new learning, and letting go of parts of our life that no longer could be part of the future story. We started to share our story publicly and openly walk through the good, the bad and the ugly which was not only healing for us, but also provided hope to others struggling with similar scenarios. So today after 26 years of marriage and his 7 years of sobriety, I celebrate my husband’s tenacity, strength and faith that forever changed our marriage and the tapestry of our family.
