The Non-Judgmental Role
As a therapist and Social Worker, I’m trained to very much remain neutral and to be supportive of all individuals and their personal rights to make decisions that impact their life. Sometimes I might not necessarily feel decisions are in their best interests, but despite that, it has never been my position, nor my obligation, to profess my opinions or to judge them based on choices that may or may not align with my values.
Last Friday’s Supreme Court Overturning of Roe V. Wade has certainly changed the landscape of our country and it has become the topic of discussion on every social platform and social gathering. If we weren’t already polarized into silos of the Right and the Left…this decision absolutely solidified the divide.
What Happened To Gray?
I’m 49 years old and I grew up in an era where there was conversation, collaboration, and discussion about the areas that fell into the “gray space” and weren’t just “black or white.” I’ve voted for candidates, not political parties, based on issues they stood for, but also in my belief of how they could actually run our country. I’ve never fit the bill with 100% support for any candidate I’ve ever voted for because in today’s world there is “No More Moderate” or “Gray” there is only Red or Blue.
I’m saddened that my young adult children never got to see a world where there was more conversation, more respect for our country, and even a sense of respect for authority. While our country wasn’t perfect and there were many things that needed to change, there seemed to be less publicly expressed hatred based on socio-economic status, color, race, gender identity, sexual identity, and every other discrimination out there. We didn’t have people taking matters into their own hands, in the vast numbers we see today, with complete disrespect for the law.
It’s Not That Black and White
Life isn’t that simple! When we look at debates on pro-life vs pro-choice, there are many emotions. Yet, privilege and individual circumstances certainly don’t equal right or wrong. I’ve worked with women who were raped, some by family members, and even victims of religious cults where they were forced into sexual relations by men professing this was “God’s Will.” I’ve counseled women in domestic violent relationships who don’t have the resources to get out, where there are so few social programs to actually support them, and having another child would honestly keep them in the abusive relationships they were trying to escape.
I’ve spent years working with women struggling with addiction and who couldn’t break free from the chains of poverty and drugs in order to care for their bodies for 9 months. So what about them? What happens when someone abuses their body with drugs and alcohol, doesn’t seek prenatal care, and has no care about the pregnancy? There is a responsibility in taking care of one’s body in order to increase the odds of a healthy child without extensive medical complications.
There are medical anomalies, and complications that occur in even the best planned out pregnancies. Genetic testing has brought increased awareness of the possibility of abnormal chromosomal issues as well as other birth defects that not only impact the unborn child but also the parents. I remember being told about a possible birth defect in my youngest son, and debating on what I might do. I don’t know what I would have done if I truly had been given the news that I was going to have a child with special needs, but I certainly would have liked the choice.
Responsible Planning
Please hear me when I say that I believe there are also responsibilities for consenting adults in their sexual behaviors for appropriate planning for contraception to prevent unwanted pregnancy. I am also pretty sure that “professing abstinence until marriage” will never actually be a reality for most of society…even many Christians.
Yet these resources, and access to so many of the necessary preventive methods, require both health insurance and/or access to clinics to obtain resources. Not to mention that there are religious beliefs that go against contraception to begin with. I personally tried to get an individual health policy (just for me) when we got to Idaho before my husband’s insurance covered us in this state. Blue Cross quoted me over $800/month and told me that I had to meet a $5000 deductible before they would even pay a cent for care. OMG! So how does the average hard working American who might be self employed without employee healthcare pay for that? A family would likely have been over $2500/month!
Affordability or Not
Here’s the reality of our world today. Affordable housing has become a thing of the past. If you are actually lucky enough to have been on a waiting list and obtained subsidized housing, you are one of the fortunate ones. When the average home rental in Southern California rents for $4500-5000/month and takes more than 50% of a joint family income to put a roof over their head…what are the ramifications of a child and the cost of astronomical daycare? Families require 2 incomes just to live in an apartment, but daycare is now costing over 20% of a family’s income.
In Boise where I now live, a 2 bedroom apartment is renting for $1800+/month, yet the salaries here haven’t caught up to the high cost of rent, and quite frankly even highly educated individuals with master’s degrees are finding it unaffordable to establish housing and still be able to buy food, drive a car with astronomical gas prices, etc. So what about the hard-working individuals who aren’t afraid to work, but their wages don’t support the cost of living? The privileged might say…they should have planned better or sought an education…but I’m telling you my own college graduates are struggling to pay rent in this economy! Fortunately, they’re privileged enough to get some help from us.
Opening the Discussion
So I’m not deflecting responsibility for good decisions and planning on economic hardship. I’m just trying to open the conversation to the Gray that actually exists in a decision that some believe is really so Black and White! Clearly, there is a lot more discussion to be had. I hope that wherever you are on this continuum, you take care of yourself, breathe, embrace self-compassion as well as assume that other people are not innately “bad” if they have a different viewpoint than you. Don’t assume you truly know or understand someone based on certain expressions of freedom, such as a flag or sign in their front yard. Be kind to yourself and others, and let’s keep on talking instead of fighting!
