Can you feel the tension? It’s literally everywhere right now. As a therapist I listen all day to other people’s stories of how they are being affected by the current events in our world. COVID-19 has surely become a chronic condition causing increased stress, fear and isolation. Yet the political stressors of a divided country as we move toward the Presidential election has brought with it a new set of challenges. So I ask the question…Do you feel safe to express your authentic opinion?
Speaking our mind and the freedom of speech used to be one of our most precious human rights. Yet in today’s world, I’m finding that most people I talk to are feeling the stress of what’s safe to say, what should be withheld, and some are even struggling to determine where they belong.
Harriet Lerner wrote in “The Dance of Connection” about the Paradox of Authenticity. She states “speaking out and being “‘real”’ are not necessarily virtues. Sometimes voicing our thoughts and feelings shuts down the lines of communication, diminishes or shames another person, or makes it less likely that two people can hear each other or even stay in the same room. Nor is talking always a solution. We know from personal experience that our best intentions to process a difficult issue can move a situation from bad to worse. We can also talk a particular subject to death, or focus on the negative in a way that draws us deeper into it, when we’d be better off distracting ourselves and going bowling.”
So the question is how do we engage in difficult conversations, especially with close friends and family who hold opposing views? A relationship may reach a breaking point when we can’t make ourselves heard and don’t feel seen. Yet on the other hand, we can’t keep listening to another person who is attacking us or draining our energy with complaints, criticism, negativity, demands, or even false accusations.
What You Can Do:
- Get clear on your values and what’s important to you
- Before engaging in difficult conversations, set clear boundaries for expectations during the conversation i.e. listening without interruption, etc.
- Assume generous intention in the other person, and don’t shame them for their opinion, but rather acknowledge why they believe what they do
- Increase your capacity to empathize, and acknowledge that some discussions may need to be avoided unless you can agree to disagree
- When possible, embrace vulnerability and be honest about how it makes you feel expressing a differing opinion with someone you love, honor or value
- Ensure you are filling your emotional cup back up with restorative activities that support creativity, fun, wellness, and joy
Coming up on November 7th I’m offering a workshop to help you align with your values and create a roadmap for keeping grounded in difficult times. You can find out more about that here.