In Remembrance
It’s been over 7 years since I lost my father, and 5 years since I lost my mother abruptly to cancer. Both my parents died at the young age of 73, 20 months apart. My Dad died 3 weeks after diagnosis with metastatic lung cancer, after being misdiagnosed for months with arthritis pain. My mother died 1 week after her diagnosis of Stage 4 colon cancer.
As someone who has sat beside many who have died in my 21 years of clinical social work, there’s something I am very sure about. Some people get so stuck in who’s to blame for the misdiagnosis, and spend all their time trying to run from the reality of what is in front of them. Others never quite let go of the anger that boils in them as they think about who was at fault and what was taken away. If you throw any unfinished business and guilt or shame in there, the magnitude of emotion is even greater.
Choosing Quality and Comfort Over Quantity
When on the receiving end of both of these stage 4 cancer diagnoses, I was more than aware of the reality before my siblings and I. There was no good outcome for sure. In fact, the only outcome, shy of a miracle, was a very complex and painful journey that would only have bought a few more months, if that. After the information was provided in both circumstances and the awareness of the pain that each was suffering with, the only humane choice for us was to accept palliative and hospice care.
Remarkable Resemblance
A week before my mother died, my sister took her for her colonoscopy where she met my mom’s concerned Gastroenterologist. Aside from the devastating news of my mother’s cancer, I remember my sister saying, the weirdest thing is that “mom’s GI doctor looks remarkably like Dad.” I didn’t really believe her until I was sitting in the hospital a few days later and he walked into the room. There in that moment…his deep dark eyes, his physical appearance, and the calm demeanor was as if my own father was speaking directly to me. It was almost eerie, and yet comforting at the same time.
Acknowledging Moments
In the years after my parents passed, I have encountered what I call moments of connection with both of them at different times in my life. It’s the quiet voice I hear, the laugh, or even just a feeling that comes over me where it’s as if they are really still here. Sometimes it’s a resemblance of someone in the market, the clanking of bracelets, the bright joyful colors of spring, holidays, and or amazing food.
Yet in these moments, I remember to pause…feel the feels, and often even whisper out loud “thanks mom or dad for showing up.”
DIY Projects
Every time I create something or pull out a can of paint…I’m reminded of my mom. These last few weekends I completed a rather large DIY project and built 2 outdoor patio couches. I believe mom was with me every step of the way. I like to think that when I see a butterfly show up and hang out…it’s a small reminder of her presence. So I made sure that my DIY project had some butterflies included so I could always remember “moments of connection.”
