The Aftermath of My Accident
Last blog I accounted for all the events of my mountain bike accident and a little of what was ahead. Silly me, I initially thought I’d just hurry up and get the surgery to put my bones back together, and somehow, being the “superwoman” that I thought I was, I had scheduled clients 3 days after surgery, thinking “I’d be just fine.” I knew I was gonna have some plates and screws, but had no idea I’d have 15 screws! When the nerve block wore off, I found myself in the greatest pain of my life, and it took many hours for the hospital team to figure out how to help relieve the pain once it got so out of control. I knew then that I needed to take the next week off and allow my body to recover.
Canceling My Conference
There was this other thing I had been hoping to still be able to do…my EMDR Conference that I had paid about $2000 to go to and was scheduled to fly out to Washington DC early Thursday August 24th. Since I had been trained in EMDR back in 2019 all conferences had been virtual, and this was the first in-person event I was going to attend with colleagues and friends across the coast. Yet, it became clear to me after that Saturday, that there was no way I was going to try to travel alone less than a week after this surgery and sit through a conference. I recouped travel expenses, not conference reimbursement, and lost a significant amount of continuing education units, but in the long run it was necessary for my recovery.
Frustration and Disappointment
When we look at the Polyvagal Ladder and how we can go from a nice Ventral Vagal state “where we are happy and content, safe, and socially supported” to Sympathetic or fight and flight, and then Dorsal where depression and disconnection set in, it’s important to remember how to navigate this ladder during times of struggle. I was talking with a friend who has had multiple foot surgeries and who was trying to be supportive of my injury while also being honest with her own struggle with depression while being dependent on others. I am a fiercely independent person, and depending on others has been difficult. Especially when things aren’t done in my timeline, or when I am the recipient of someone’s frustration…which I in turn can easily interpret as “I am a burden!”
When it comes to vulnerability, there is really nothing quite like needing supervision so you don’t fall in the shower, or recognizing that it takes every bit of energy just to ambulate across the room or get into a car…when you used to be able to run and walk 5-6 miles. I have struggled to watch my husband try to manage my care and his job responsibilities, and we’ve had a few moments that have required calming down, recognizing our behaviors, apologizing, and forgiving each other for losing our tempers. I’ve had to lean into those moments, feel the feels, and do my work to anchor myself back to my own Ventral Vagal state, remembering who I know I am at the top of the ladder, rather than the story I make up at the bottom of the ladder.
Mindset and Ventral Vagal Anchors
Mindset to me is everything. I do the work, I meditate on mantras, read daily affirmations of who I am and what I can do to control what I can during this difficult time. Exercise is one of my ways of managing stress, and it’s always been a part of my life. I have had to alter what I can do, with limitations of non-weight bearing status for 3 months. I found ways to adapt, and move forward with upper-body cardio, and even learned to use my rowing machine with one leg.
I have leaned on friends and family for support, including an incredible meal train that helped feed us over the past 2 weeks. I have accepted the generosity of friends who offered to take me out to lunch and get me out of the house. I allowed a friend to adapt a scooter I was provided with to help me be able to go outside and see nature, feel the sun on my face, and get a little exercise with my good leg. It’s because of these practices and my awareness of the need to access and embrace connection with others, that I have been able to sustain hope and embrace the suck of a situation that I have no control over.
The Ladder Works
The ladder is an impressive tool that my current clients certainly know I strongly believe in. Without the ladder and a map to help oneself move toward the Ventral Vagal state again, it would be easy to get stuck at the bottom, have a pity party, and succumb to the negativity of a situation. Yet, I learned a long time ago that happiness is not dependent on circumstances. There are many people who believe their circumstances give justification for their mood and or behavior. However, when you look at people who seem to exuberate joy and happiness regardless of the lot they’ve been given, you come to understand that this is not just a false presentation, or even a “gift” others should covet. No, happiness is about choice and gratitude. Knowing your anchors, and what you need more of to stay grounded and in the parasympathetic state of Ventral Vagal, can have a huge impact on how you live your life.
Long Road Ahead
I have a long road ahead of me, but I will be in my office this week, seeing clients in person and virtually. I will accept the help of my supportive family who will help me get to my office and to my appointments until I am authorized to drive again. I will lean into the gratitude of what I can do, not what I can’t do. I will look for more adaptations that allow me to be more independent, and I will accept that there are some things I just plain need to ask for help with.
