3 Factors of Self-Criticism
In Kristin Neff’s new book Fierce Self Compassion she talks about 3 factors that play a role in our Self- Criticism.
Neff indicates that the number one reason people are harsh rather than kind toward themselves is because “they believe self-compassion will undermine their motivation.”
She goes on to say “they think self-criticism is an effective motivator, and that by calling themselves cruel and belittling names they’ll try harder next time.” Another reason we hold steadfast to Self-Criticism is that “it gives us the illusion of control.” In other words, when we criticize ourselves, we reinforce the belief that we can avoid failure as long as we don’t make a mistake and do everything right. The third factor identified is “our desire to protect our ego.” Somehow we justify that at least we have high standards even if we don’t meet them.
Safety
Self-Criticism is all about safety. It’s almost hard to conceptualize, but essentially there’s a part of us that believes it will be the catalyst to motivate us so we won’t fail. For example, we’re stressed with work and our kids act up and then we scream at them. Then we berate ourselves for losing our temper. The underlined safety need shows up unconsciously as we somehow think that by badmouthing ourselves it will help us to be a better mother in the future, so my kids won’t abandon me in my old age.
Negative comments toward self while looking in the mirror also serve as a type of protector to keep us safe. Neff says “we somehow believe that by criticizing ourselves harshly first we will soften the hurt of others’ real or imagined judgments.” It’s our fight and flight anticipation of danger using our inner critic as a means to ward off the possible harm from an attack.
Consequences of Self-Criticism
Some of my clients will profess that their Self-Criticsm is what brought them through school, and helped them to get to where they are. Yet Neff states “the scare tactic has a number of maladaptive consequences: it makes us afraid of failure, procrastination, undermines our self-confidence, and causes performance anxiety, all things that work directly against our ability to succeed.”
Fierce Self-Compassion
Regardless of whether the critic stems from an early childhood protector to help us survive in situations where caregivers didn’t keep us safe, or it is just a frightened part of us that wants to improve and do better, it all comes from a desire to be safe. According to Neff, “Sometimes we need to use Fierce Self-Compassion with our inner critic and tell it firmly but kindly to stop its bullying tactics. But we also need to have some tender compassion for that part of ourselves, acknowledging that it’s trying its best to protect us from danger. Only then can we truly start to feel safe.”
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