So many of us are searching for validation in our environments. It might be unconscious and the need for validation can sometimes be hard to recognize for clients with strong armor. Yet our perception of self can be very skewed if we are constantly looking to other’s behavior, responses, and feelings in order to feel accepted and validated. In order to find a sense of peace, we must first understand our internal experience and our actions.
Take for instance a woman who is highly educated, and was well respected in her profession as an educator and leader. She seemed to effortlessly juggle all the responsibilities of work, marriage, raising kids, etc. As long as the external accolades and validation from others was coming in, the sense of self appeared to be strong. Producing, achieving, and being everything to everyone was almost a badge of honor.
Yet when the transition to retirement occurred, and so much of the validation that was externally sought from the work environment disappeared, there was a sense of loss of self and identity. In this situation there is a shift from confidence to insecurity as the once “competent and self assured” self begins to perceive themself as non-contributory, and less than those who still excel.
As we grow, transition to a new phase of life, watch our children become adults, and begin to interact with our adult children and all their opinions, we might find ourselves on new turf. It’s not uncommon to have thoughts and feelings that don’t necessarily reflect what you know to be true. If you perceive judgement from or fear rejection from an adult child who you might be hustling to please, and or trying to seek some validation from, you likely are experiencing some emotional distress. This often shows up as Anxiety and Depression.
If we fight our thoughts and feelings, or judge ourselves for having them, we miss the opportunity to get curious about our emotions and work through the vulnerability to accept ourselves and find wisdom. The greatest gift you can give yourself, is the space to be mindful of your emotions without pushing them away by suppressing or numbing them.
In order to change your thoughts, you must find a way to acknowledge the emotional experience, define where you feel it in your body, name it, and allow yourself to feel your way through the emotional response. Being present with your self helps to validate that you matter, and opens the mind for self reflection. When we are present, we acknowledge the facts and can also begin to identify the emotions and situation that lead to distress. Then we can bring in common humanity by inquiring how someone else might feel in this same situation?
Most importantly, we have to be honest with ourselves and not pretend to be someone we’re not. The hustle for validation from others will always lead to stress. Once we can accept that we are loveable and valued regardless of what we produce and are not defined by the sum of our behavior, we can increase the joy in our relationships.
