Fiercely Independent Women
It’s not a coincidence that my practice consists of fiercely independent women who are high functioning, highly successful, present themselves as self-confident in the work environment, are self motivated, and who attract others because of their ability to be self sufficient. I share many of the same qualities and personality traits and have learned to recognize both the power in these strengths and the negative impact that can result from them.
Many of my male clients find themselves in relationships with these powerhouse women who are like magnets. Other clients find themselves wanting to be like this cohort of women and compare themselves to their achievements, seek to learn from them, and are always striving for more in order to have what they have.
Confident Expression
The independent woman feels free to express her opinion regardless of others’ reactions. She lives by her own rules and also has a lot to say about others who don’t meet her level of expectation. She embraces validation and awe from people who consider her capable of more than the average person.
She will have many acquaintances, but only a few close friends who accept her as she is. She absolutely will let go of or release anyone who challenges her or doesn’t respect her. She doesn’t believe that she needs anyone and feels she can go about life alone rather than move into the vulnerability of needing someone. She has built financial security, so she will never need to depend on a partner.
Relationship Struggles
She wants to be seen and recognized. Often she finds herself in a relationship with someone who compliments her competitive drive and who helps keep life afloat while she’s out building and creating new opportunities. Initially, this difference is welcomed, and clients appreciate their partner’s belief in them and support. But over time…a powerhouse mover and shaker will get bored and even start to possibly judge their partner’s lack of ambition, and/or find fault that they are not also filled with desire to grow, change and become more.
Men can also be intimidated by partners who are more successful financially and/or women who need to have all the control. If a partner starts to feel insecure, or even emasculated by a dominant woman who never focuses on any of their partner’s strengths, their partner’s own shame triggers will inevitably show up and only add more fuel to the relational fire.
Balancing Independence Requires Vulnerability
I’ll never forget the words that came out of my couple’s therapist’s mouth in a session with my husband over a decade ago. She looked at me and asked me:
“What can he do for you or give to you that you can’t do or already give yourself?”
OMGoodness! I sat there for a moment and realized the significance of that question. It stung like a hornet, and yet it was exactly what I needed to hear in order for me to take a good hard look at myself. That fiercely independent woman, hear me roar…dialogue in my head, had not only created my success, but it was also affecting how I saw my husband, and more importantly how he perceived me.
I learned that the key to balancing your strengths as an independent woman requires you to see your flaws, imperfections, judgments, and learn why you guard yourself from vulnerability by living with this “I can go it alone armor.” That’s why my Authentic Gains’s tagline is:
“Own it, Speak it, Release it!”
Mindful of Vulnerability
I believe we need to be mindful and start to get curious about our discomfort with vulnerability, in our effort to orchestrate and control all facets of our lives. Since vulnerability is the first thing my fiercely independent women clients tell me they want to avoid, I know the work I do is instrumental in helping clients learn the power of vulnerability. When clients can authentically practise vulnerable expressions of their needs, check their own judgments, and start walking into difficult conversations, they transform their relationships, and no longer need to armor up with such a fiercely independent vissade. It also makes them more approachable and available to the possibility of future connection.
