One of the most common traits I have found in so many of my clients is the fact that it’s easy for them to focus on others, and very difficult for them to receive from others. It seems so simple to just say “Thank You”, and or allow someone to offer a kind gesture such as holding a door open for you. Yet in a society that has been primed to demonstrate and affirm strength and independence, it’s no wonder it feels shameful to ask for help. In fact, we have been conditioned to believe that if we were to ask for help, it would clearly show our flaws or defects, and therefore set us up for judgment.
Yet we were also wired for connection, and in fact, it’s not a flaw to receive kindness from someone who wants to willingly show they care. It actually takes a lot of inner strength to allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to embrace generosity from others. In an article in Psychology Today June 2020 edition, John Amodeo, Ph.D, MFT writes about the following ways we limit ourselves from being available to connect:
- Insulating Ourselves involves not allowing ourselves support which keeps us isolated and distant. It keeps us insulated from intimacy. Deep down we want and need connection, but when it shows up, we’re often not available to it.
- Desire To Be In Control involves us living with the illusion that we have control over things, or should have it. He says that if all we have is control, we set ourselves up for a lonely, disconnected existence.
- An Obligation To Give Back involves the belief that if we were to receive, we’d be obligated to give something in return. If we associate receiving with a sense of duty and obligation, we feel pressured to return the favor and can start to wish that people would just leave us alone, so we don’t have to feel required to reciprocate. Yet there is freedom in liberating ourselves from self imposed pressure.
- We Don’t Want To Be Selfish is a common belief that stems from the thought that it’s better to give than to receive. Imagine a world where everyone was giving and no one was emotionally available for taking. Yet if someone can accept our gift then the exchange becomes more meaningful to everyone. Often those who are giving to us want to feel as if their act of kindness is welcome, which in turn helps them to feel touched by your appreciation.
In order to combat these personality traits, we need to first recognize how receiving a compliment or gift feels in your heart and body. Often we are not even aware of the somatic body response that is attached to the emotional reaction. If we can identify both the physical and emotional discomfort, we can then learn to breathe through it, and consciously tell ourselves to be open and accepting of this kind gesture.
Finally, regardless of whether you believe you are deserving or not is irrelevant. Acknowledging your need to be connected through vulnerability is the key to finding joy in your life.
As a Certified therapist in Sacramento and Daring Way Facilitator of Brené Brown’s Daring Way work on shame resilience, I can help you desensitize the emotions attached to shame.
Let’s get connected: Authentic Gains Therapy Center
